A Strong View of Children

As I have given tours to new families I explain our philosophy beginning with, “We view children as competent.” and most people think, yes of course, but honestly most people don’t view children as competent. The truth is children’s brains are designed to learn. They are hard-wired to pick up language, learn, and want to explore. When we view children as competent that then changes our role away from teacher to facilitator, language model, safe keeper, secure base, and ultimately, the encourager. It is our role as teaches and your role as parents to provide children with an opportunity to explore, learn, and grow. But we have a problem in our society. Many parents and teachers have become the ‘fixers’ or prob-lem solver instead of the support system. If you view your child as too small to do it or just a baby, then you are taking their power away and stealing from them their chance problem solve and to learn. The effect of not viewing your child as competent is your child will not view themselves as competent. So how do you begin to change this mindset? Give your child opportunities to show their competencies. Support children as they take calculated risks. Find ‘jobs’ for your child to do around the house. Consider that in history farming families had many children to help support the family. Many families will say, “What can my non-mobile infant do to help?” Your non-mobile infant does a lot of things everyday; she brings a smile to your face every time you see her, he greets you and his family with a loud coo. If we view these things as contributions to our family’s happiness then your infant mobile or not will feel empowered, will feel competent. Your toddler can learn to greet guests or help to set out napkins for dinner. Little ones can help you remember the keys or help lock the door on the way out of the house. Giving children jobs, no matter how small, tells them that you view them as competent and valuable members of your family. The feeling of accomplishment a child gets after doing something helpful is the intrinsic base for our behavior in society and ultimately the motivator for doing ‘good’. Remember not to judge or praise children’s contribution but rather relate them back to your family values so children can be their own judge of their behaviors. You could say, “You smiled at grandma, and look she smiled back.” or “You welcomed your cousins by showing them your toys, that’s part of being a friend.” or “You put all the napkins on the table so we will be able to stay clean at dinner.” None of those sentences judged the children with good or bad simply noticing children’s accomplishments says you value their contribution. If you make this language change at 6 months, it will begin to come naturally and you will start to view your child as competent contributors to your family. I just finished reading the parenting book “Free Range Kids” and the au-thor explained the world is not more dangerous now than it was before. “Childhood is supposed to be about discovering the world, not being held captive. It’s not about having the world pointed out to you by a DVD or by your mom as you drive by, See honey that’s a forest.” (pg 193). We want to support you to view your children as competent and able to get out, explore, get dirty, make mistakes, learn, and contribute.

Learning Through Play

Learning Through Play As an early childhood professional I often find myself saying over and over, “Children learn through play.” I defend play as not only a way to learn, but the best way for children to learn. I was reminded last weekend at the Southern Early Childhood Conference of a simple study that shows how important play is for young children. Fifty years ago when this study was first conducted researchers brought children 3, 5, and 7 years of age into a lab and asked the children to stand still for as long as they could. Standing still requires children use their executive functions in the higher centers of their brain, not only to remember they are standing still but also to stop themselves from doing something else which is called inhibitory control. Executive functions and inhibitory control have been in the news lately because research has shown how important these skills are to later success in school and in adult life. So they asked the children to stand still and the three year old could stand still for a not very long we will say less than 20 seconds, the five year olds could stand still a bit longer about 30-60 seconds, and the seven year olds were able to stand still for quite long nearing five minutes. They repeated this with another group of 3, 5, and 7 year olds but this time they told them a story about soldier that had to stand at attention very still for a long time. When the children were challenged to take on the play role of soldiers and stand still this play allowed the chil-dren to better self regulate, hold onto the idea of standing still, and stop themselves from moving or engaging in something else. The most dramatic increase was in the five year olds that were able to stand still by ‘being a soldier’ for three to five minutes. The researches surmised that the seven year olds were only slightly effected by play scenario because they largely had the self regulation skills and the three year olds were only slightly effected by the play scenario because they struggled to take on and maintain engagement in the role. Play is how children learn to self regulate. Children learn through mature dramatic play to build, understand, and apply rules. When children were place in a group and all pretending to be soldiers they were able to stand still even longer. Sadly this study was replicated in 2001 and the researchers found that the five year olds of 2001 per-formed more like the three year olds of fifty years ago, and the seven year olds of 2001 performed more like the five year olds of fifty years ago. Researchers speculate this change stems largely from today’s children having less unstructured play time, less opportunities for mix aged groups that promote mature play, and more toys with singular prescribed uses. We can best support our children by giving them time for uninterrupted play.

Answering for a Child

I was overhearing a conversation in the two year old classroom when I heard a teacher ask a child, "Did you wash your hands?" there was a pause and then the other teacher said, "No he hasn't washed." I have had this interaction hundreds of times, I'm sure most teachers and parents have. I got reflecting as I do on the role of respect in this discussion. I want to respect children's ability to answer for themselves but I also find it crucial that they was their hands. Further what about when a child is not verbal. We talk to and ask questions of our babies yet they cannot answer and often others answer for them, perhaps that's where this came from.

I considered the other possibilities that might be more respectful. 

1.) Ask the child to answer the teacher who asked them a question by saying, "Joey, Ms. Liz asked you if you washed. You can say, 'Not yet, I'm on my way.'" - This is also a respectful way to talk with nonverbal children and would give you a chance to give them a simple word they could say. 

2.) Wait for the child to answer, this is probably most respectful for a verbal child and comfortable adult. If the other adult looks to you, you can use the process above, bringing it back to the child. If the child lies then you have an opportunity to teach. Most often young children are playing with lying you could say kindly, "I don't think that's true Joey. You haven't washed yet, you can tell Ms. Liz, "I haven't washed yet." when she reminds you to wash your hands." 

Mommy would like it if you..

Motivating your child through their desire to please you is com-mon for most families. This month I’d like to challenge you to think about if that is how you wish to motivate your child. I know sometimes you can’t think of anything else to say but if you hold your long term goals in mind you will realize this isn’t the best motivator to use regularly. Young children have a strong desire to please the adults in their lives but it is still extrinsic motivation. Any time we use extrinsic motivation to get our child to act we have to recognize we are teaching them how to make decisions. If we say “Mommy would like it if you…” then we are telling them you should make the decision based on what mommy wants, to please her. If children learn to make decisions based on what pleases another, mommy might motivate children through this desire to please. Over time children will grow and they no longer will be seeking to please their parents. At that point children who have learned to make decisions by choosing what pleases others might choose what would please a misguided friend or teenage romantic partner. This is not to say all children that seek to please their parents will later make poor choices seeking to please others, however decision making is learned. Ultimately we want children to make the decision to act in a way that is consistent with their inner goals and values. When supporting your child to make a decision try to think of a deeper reason why. You may still occasionally motivate your child by their desire to please but there are many other reasons out there. If you think your child has an unhealthy desire to please others you can begin talking about their ideas. “What do you think about that?” “Did it go the way you wanted it to?” “How do you feel about it?” Tune children into their own inner power to evaluate their choices and think about their accomplishments

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Our RIE and Magda Gerber Inspiration

As teachers we began discussing the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) philosophy and found great inspiration in their work. RIE (pronounced rye) is based in respect much like the Our Neighborhood philosophy. RIE is based on the work of Magda Gerber and Emily Pickler. The RIE institute in California trains parents, educarers (child care teachers), nannies, and others on the RIE philosophy.

The RIE philosophy believes that when children have our full, undivided attention during routine care such as diaper changes, feedings, and some play, they are better able to separate from us when we need to work on something else. We have been working to be mindful of our presence and to try to be truly available to children throughout the day. Observation is already a big part of the Our Neighborhood philosophy and the information RIE provides on observing children has helped us to become better observers. The RIE belief of Observe More, Do Less. Do Less, Enjoy More has been an inspiration for us.

Sometimes, especially when there are many children, we allow the importance of getting things done take over all the other important things. When we stop and observe more and do less we will find children can do many things if given the time and the space. Then as we do less, we are able to enjoy more. RIE emphasizes the importance of doing less for you child by explaining that if you constantly interfere, take over, correct, and over help your child you are implying that you do not believe your child can handle the task. This undermines your child’s self confidence, telling him that his way, his process, his time, or his effort is not enough. When we slow down and observe, we can offer the least possible intervention, sometimes just our presence, encouraging words, a shoulder to balance on. We will tell our children “I am here for you and I believe in you.” by being present but not interupting. If you wait and do the least then you also insure that you are allowing your children to do what they can do, contribute, and feel the sense of accomplishment that comes with achieving things for themselves.

Looking for more parenting support, we highly recommend "Baby Knows Best" by Deborah Carlisle Solomon
If you're interested in reading more about RIE check out http://rie.org

We also love Janet Lansbury's Elevating Childcare Blog http://www.janetlansbury.com/ 

We hope you will join us as we work to deepen our understanding of RIE and the ways it can inspire our work with children.

Helping Children Process Fear

Think of a time you felt scared, your partner was out of town and you heard something outside your bedroom. This big overwhelming feeling came over you as your mind and emotions raced out of control. You tried to calm from the logical side of your brain but the fear, as irrational as it is, wouldn’t subside. You know that genuine scared feeling, the physical reactions you have to fear. Emotions are all new to children and they are extreme.

What support do you offer your child when they are fearful? Excited? Tired? Overwhelmed? Angry? Consider these emotions in yourself. What type of support to you need when you’re feeling big emotions? How would you feel if your partner, parent, or friend didn’t listen to the way you felt and tired to tell you it was no big deal. Your child is going to experience big emotions in their life. Your roll is to keep your calm, give them words for the big feelings they have, and listen. Resist the urge to save, fix, punish, minimize, or dismiss. Say to them, “Breathe with me. You can handle this.”

Coach children to work through big emotions, keep your composure and show them you will keep them safe. Once they are calm you can problem solve. Becky Bailey has an awesome coaching video we highly recommend checking it out!

Explaining Changes, Teaching Skills, and Overcoming Challenges by: Creating Your Own Book

One look at children's literature and you can see so many books are written to teach children. "Hands Are Not For Hitting" "All Aboard the Potty Train" "No More Paci for Piggy" on and on. So often when parents or teachers come to me with challenges I encourage them to write their own children's story. Seems overwhelming but it isn't.

Keep it simple and focus on what you want to happen or what you want children to learn.

Simple story about sleeping in a big kid bed. Pg 1 "When you were born we were so happy." pg. 2 "NAME OF CHILD slept safely in your crib (or with mommy and daddy)." pg. 3 "You grew and you grew." pg. 4 "Every night we read one story, sang twinkle twinkle little star and you slept." (use your routine, bath, stories, bottle, etc.) pg 5 "Soon/Now you have a new bed." pg 6 "Every night we will read one story, sing twinkle twinkle little star, and you will sleep. Safely all night long." pg 7 "Every morning the sun comes up and we will play together all day." --- Simple and to the point you should use the child's name wherever you can to help make it personal. Add pages for specific struggles, ie. If you wake up in the night you are safe and you hug your blankie and go back to sleep.

Simple story to explain the death of a pet to a 2-4 year old. Pg 1 "We are so lucky to b a family." Pg 2 "Some families have pets." Pg 3 "Together we love them and take care of them." Pg 4 "But as animals get older their body gets weaker and sometimes they die." Pg 5 "This is sad and difficult for the whole family." Pg 6 "We will miss them now that they are gone but we will always have our memories." - Add lots of photos of families playing with their pets.

You can create these stories for your children, they don't need to be bound or perfectly written. You can print them off the computer and staple them together, or get printed photos and cut them out as a family. Stories can also promote learning after a fun vacation or trip. "Our Family Trip to the Zoo" Stories help older children connect with younger children. It is a truly wonderful way to deepen learning so take on the challenge and create your own family book!

*Need help, add comments and I will be happy to help!

Choosing Children's Books

Children adore book the pictures and the story they tell. Buying a children's book can be an overwhelming decision. Thousands of books all with different purposes, some to teach colors or numbers, stories that have meanings and morals, tales that are passed down by generations, some books that contain simple photos and words seemingly at random, and books that children love yet seem to have no meaning to adults.

When I am choosing books for children I first look at the age of the children and then the purpose of the book. Do I want the children to 'read' this independently or with an adult? Do I have a learning goal for the child?

When choosing books for very young infants 0-5 months.
 I choose vibrant pictures with sharp contrast. Books like the Brown Bear series are a good example because they have one concept on most pages, you can set the book up for the children to examine the photos or you can read the story. The Brown Bear story is one of the stories that has no plot and seemingly no meaning to adults but for children they are learning from the animal on the page we are looking at what to expect next. That things exist even when you can't see them. Rhythm of hearing about something then seeing it. Books can be a great way to engage children during the difficult tummy times of the first few months.

As you get to the middle of the infant age group (the ages overlap a bit) 4-10 months. Children will begin to love reading with you as well as independently. Purchase the cardboard books so children have the opportunity to explore independently. Look for real photos rather than cartoons. During the concrete ages children can relate a real photo better to the real thing it represents better than a drawing of that thing. Meaning a 7 month old knows what their dog is and can find them at the park, a photo of a dog in a book is the first symbolic representation then a drawing. Photos and drawings of people in particularly people's faces draw children's attention. At this age children are beginning to make sounds and they like books with animals sounds, drumming, or truck sounds as well as textures. The touch and feel books are a favorite of this age group. You can also start to introduce stories, looking for books that rhyme or have a rhythm will help children to focus and understand the story. Books where there are lift the flap pages or textures can keep children engaged as you read the story.

Older infants and young toddlers will start to show interest in reading books independently. By the time children get to this age you want to have acquired and read a number of the simple stories such as Brown Bear, Goodnight Moon, or the one shown in this photo I love you through and through. Children will go to these to 'read' independently, they remember the story and can tell you it from the simple pictures. At this age we typically start introducing book that are based on children's interests. Truck stories, monkey stories, building stories, silly stories, stories about emotions, and morals.

The most important thing when looking for books for older toddlers and preschools becomes not the book but the way in which you read it. Children learn when they are engaged so ask children open ended questions; What do you think the zoo keeper should do? Questions about literacy; can you find the first word on this page? Have fun, be silly, and laugh together.


Children will rip pages, eat the binding, and throw the books but continue to talk about respecting the books, using them for reading, and repair them with your child. Over time they will learn to respect and love their books and because they were able to use books they will develop a natural desire to read. In the words of a curious four year old, "What do those words say?"

Few additional notes, multi-language learners. Some books come in two languages on each page, it is recommended you read the entire book in one language not each language on each page or alternating language.

Silly books and why children love them. If you give a mouse a cookie series: they love it because it's exactly how they think, one topic to another to another to another until finally they remember the whole reason it got started. Two year olds think just this way, with little ability to block out distractions the story may seem to make no since to the adult but this is something they relate to. Llama Llama series, it puts emotions, real feeling photos and words to the way they feel some parents are uncomfortable with the amount of emotions the Llama Llama series shows but children are experiencing these emotions and the books are acknowledging that. Remember you as a parent can acknowledge something is without agreeing with it or accepting it. Talk to your toddlers about Llama Llama being upset and what they can do when they feel that way, ie. take a deep breath.

Finally, stories we used for thousands of years to pass on history, lessons, traditions and build understanding for children, you can do that too by making up your own story.

Do we have too high of expectations when it comes to parenting!?

I read a interesting article this week in Real Simple Magazine. DO WE SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH OUR KIDS? Being the director of a child care center and a long time teacher it certainly caught my attention. "I never get to see my children." Sound like you? (and every parent we know!?) Turns out today's mothers both working and stay-at-home are logging more child care hours than in the past. Surveys show in 2010 all mothers spend more than 14 hours a week with their children up from 10 hours a week in 1965???

Why then do we feel that we aren't getting enough time with our children. Parenting has become more time intensive, these days parents are expected to do more than just provide food, shelter, and lots of love. Today's parents take on more responsibilities in regards to planning children's activities. Infants start taking classes and toddlers start organized sports making parenting a full time profession. Society is telling you that despite you spending significantly more time on child rearing than parents of the past you aren't doing enough. Marketing campaigns are telling you that for your child to succeed you need to do more, schedule more, and spend more time with them.

THAT IS NOT TRUE. Spend quality time with your children but give them some space, free time, and don't feel guilty taking time for yourself. As Sarah Robbins of Real Simple Magazine Says "Some parents believe a good mother needs to but her child's needs before everything else and that's not healthy. Nor does it make us good role models. After all, if our ultimate goal is to have our kids find personal fulfillment, perhaps we should lead by example." Taking time for yourself and waiting until elementary school to start organizing sport schedules isn't going to hurt your children. They need our love, support, and encouragement but not our 24 hour servant services. Unstructured play is important for children too! We all need space and time to relax, take yours and give your children some!

Breaking Bad Habits with Children

I recently worked on helping a parent dealing with finger sucking in her 4 year old. My advice:

I would try talk with her about it, she will give this up when she is ready and you can only help to support her. Basically you want the conversation to come from a non-judgmental place. Sometimes there are underlying feelings that need to be addressed. Children need words for the way they feel, this child was anxious so I recommended mom talk to her about that feeling be honest with her that you understand sucking on her finger makes her feel good but it is not good for her teeth.

When dealing with any difficult transition I recommend making a homemade book maybe the first page would say “Sometimes when  ________ feels sleepy or anxious she sucks on her finger to help her feel better.” And then the rest of the book should give her other specific things to do to feel better when she is feeling anxious (ie. Take a deep breath. Get a hug from a friend or mommy.) or when she is tired (snuggle into a pillow, cuddle a blanket, hug a teddy bear) I recommend letting her come up with her own ideas and then the last page is “_______ doesn’t need to suck on her fingers because she is safe, now she has a beautiful smile.” As much as you worry about her teeth try not to push too hard, she will want to give this up but maybe isn’t ready. Support her and ask her for ideas of ways she could give this up. Children will commonly come up with an arbitrary reason, ie on my 4th birthday, sometimes the reasoning is even sillier like, I will stop when I get a fish. Try to help her create a goal for herself rather than creating it for her.

Be wary of anyone that says they can make this happen for her because Tabasco on her fingers and other dramatic measures are going to make her afraid and we can’t grow when we are afraid. She needs to know she’s safe and learn other coping skills to replace this. This is something she needs to grow out of so you need to support her just like you did when she learned other things (walking, potty training), fear and judgment make everything worse. Children are smart and understand so let her think about it and she will come up with her own way. I hope this helps, I know that it’s not a fix all answer but you’ve been parenting long enough to know a fix all answer by the end of the week is not realistic anyway.

All parents are dealing with difficult habits that children develop. Sleeping/Eating/Soothing  Remember that children should be included in making goal and growing. Be consistent and supportive.

Developing routines to begin understanding the world.

As adults we have a very specific and measured understanding of time, 5:00am alarm goes off, Saturday sleep in late, 7:35am 5 minutes late to work, for infants their understanding of their day is not focused on a clock but rather routines. Play, eat, sleep, play, eat, sleep and as they grow that becomes more complex to include things like bath time, walking the dog, and reading a story not until they are around four do children begin to understand days of the week, periods of time, past, and future.

One source of stress for infants and toddlers is when they don’t understand what is going on or when they believe something different should be going on. When that routine changes or when the day is not in a routine at all children tend to get stressed out, cry, have tantrums, and not listen. As adults we work to create routines children can understand not only to avoid all the stress responses listed above but also to support children’s understanding of their world and beginning to understand time. Parents should begin to think about creating routines starting from birth to help children understand their world which will reduce their stress and create more happy times. 

In the classroom, we work to create routines in our classrooms that the children can understand. For morning group time each day we sing ‘The More We Get Together’ and amazingly (or not) after just a few weeks children as young as 12 months will begin to take that song as a cute to come to the group area, without direction. Parents often ask “How do you get them all to sleep at the same time?” We know they are tired, we create a climate for sleeping, turn off the lights, turn on soft music. We use the same routine every day, get your mat, get your blankie, sing one song, read one story, and say goodnight. 

It takes time to develop a routine and even after it is developed sometimes children fight it or it must get changed but taking the time to develop routines is important for children’s learning and your sanity. Think about the world from their perspective, people are picking you up moving you around, putting you to sleep, feeding you, playing with you and if you had no idea when and no time to prepare for a new thing happening it would be frightening and upsetting. Start from infancy by telling your baby “I am going to pick you up” each time you pick them up; they will start to relate those words, pattern, and tones and be able to prepare themselves. Use songs as transitional routines (going to the car, going to the table for dinner, etc.) and for more difficult transitions such as settling down to sleep use a song and a book. As children begin to understand the routines things will begin to move smoother and children will be much happier. 

Questions or comments on routines you use in your house are welcome.

High Cost of Child Care

I have been reading the findings from the 2011 Parents and the High Cost of Child Care report published by the National Child Care Resource and Referral Agency and the results are quite sad. Parents throughout the United States are struggling to afford child care and in many instances quality is sacrificed because parents simply can’t afford a quality facility.

In Virginia the average cost of full time center based care for an infant is $8,800 per year. As many of you know care in Charlottesville is much more expensive but using the statistics from the report the average two-parent family 9.7% of their income on infant care, 31.2% of single parent income is spent on child care. Virginia is not the worst by far there are other states where child care is 16% of two parent median income. When parents have more than one child in care it becomes even less affordable. If you’re interested in additional data on Virginia or other states I would be happy to share it with you or you can access the report at http://www.naccrra.org/publications/naccrra-publications/publications/Cost%20Report%202011.pdf

One of the most real numbers parents can relate to is the cost of care compared to public college tuition. Many parents spend years saving for college tuition however in 36 states the annual cost of full time child care in a center is higher that public college tuition. Virginia misses that statistic by $14, the average cost of care being $8,800 and the average tuition and fees and a public college in Virginia is $8,814. The most upsetting part is that public assistance through grants and loans are available if a child chooses to attend college whereas parents to continue working must place their child in some type of care and there is no assistance available. Families don’t have 18 years to save for the cost of infant care. There are some other options for families that cannot afford center based care but other care arrangements are unregulated for health, safety, background checks, and of unknown quality.  

As families of middle incomes struggle the low income families are hit even harder, many families can’t afford to send their child to a high quality center. The result is children that don’t have the social, emotional, and cognitive skills to prepare them for public school. The public ends up paying more to support and assist these children that didn’t have a proper foundation for education.

Hopefully as we share these startling facts we can start to work together to change the system to support young children and their families during this critical developmental period.

An 18 Month Old Suspended ?!?

I was recently informed that my niece an 18 month old little girl was suspended from daycare for punching a child with her fist. I think they kicked her out two weeks. After hearing this I laughed a bit and then thought a little more about how actually wrong this is.

I believe we can support children's development through patience and understanding. As children learn to interact with one another, communicate, and negotiate situations aggressive behavior is common. I believe we can best promote non aggressive solutions by teaching children better ways to communicate and handle social situations. If we simply suspend a toddler for aggressive behavior we are creating a situation of disconnection and isolation rather than connection and learning.

After further thought I recalled the quote from "I Thought It Was Just Me", "If you want to make a difference, the next time you see someone being cruel to another human being, take it personally. Take it personally because it IS personal!" Brene Brown further explained that when we see someone creating disconnection we must work to change the culture towards connection, understanding, and learning. Though I wouldn't consider suspending an 18 month old child 'cruel' but it does promote a culture of disconnection rather than learning at a time when children are learning how to connect, create relationships, and communicate.

So I called the center and asked to speak with the director hoping to simply discuss with her, her child development philosophy and the policy of the program. I told her I wanted to talk with her about her program and she responded that she was too busy. My mother asked if I would just simply drop the issue considering that my niece doesn't need to be dragged into a child development debate. This is all so fresh in my mind I plan to think a bit more about it, consider calling again, writing a letter, or speaking with the program supervisors... How do we go about changing this culture and creating more connection not just for my niece but for the other children in that program and in other programs... I know this director is likely overwhelmed but I want to reach to her and support her, the program, and the children...

Know the research, Know your beliefs, Value all people from infancy

Review and Reflection on "The Scientist in the Crib" by Alison Gopnik, Andrew Meltzoff, and Patricia Kuhl

In a child development class in college I was assigned a book called “The Scientist in the Crib” and like most college students I never really read the book, mostly just skimmed the parts I needed. Last year I was at a conference and the presenters recommended the book to a coworker of mine. I thought I have that book, I should read it. So I pulled out this book from the stack of possibly useful things I saved from college and began reading. I would highly recommend this book to any teachers or parents that want to better understand and value infants and toddlers.

The book outlines current research about young children and articulates it in a way that is easy and fun to learn. Furthermore the wording and content book can help parents and teachers articulate their philosophy and beliefs about children in a new way. I have taken a few quotes from the book that inspired me and I will explain why these stories and this research are important to young children and their caregivers.

The book examines empirical data that shows children in a new clearer light. The research has shown, “Children won’t take in what you tell them until it makes sense to them.” p169 basically when a infant or a child sees or is told something that doesn’t make sense to them they do not learn it, they do not retain the information, and they will not repeat it. The brain has a specialized ability to learn a vast amount of information but this is telling us that if that information doesn’t make sense the children will not learn it. For teachers, parents, and other caregivers this means that we must stop ‘teaching’ arbitrary information. Children learn through understanding and meaning. As we work with our children we have to teach to a level they can understand or the brain will not take in the information.

Another important section discusses a study of brains in rats. The study found that rats in a poor environment had 14% smaller brains then rats in typical or experience rich environments. This is actually good news for teachers and families. Basically to create more learning we need to give children access to typical experience rich environments. Children don’t need anything special to learn they just need an environment to explore. However on the other side if children’s environment is poor they will like the rats not have many experience and create fewer connections in their brains. In the final chapter of the book the authors make many statements that support my personal beliefs about children and learning. “Babies are already as smart as they can be, they know what they need to know, and they are very effective and selective in getting the kinds of information they need. They are designed to learn about the real world that surrounds them, and they learn by playing with things in that world, most of all by playing with the people who love them.” p201. Throughout the book research shows that infants and toddlers’ brains are designed to learn and very well designed to learn mostly from other people but also from exploring their world.

I was surprised and saddened to read that a great deal of research showed parents didn’t believe very young children could experience emotion. This is false, “Babies’ minds are at least as rich, as abstract, as complex, as powerful as ours. Babies think, reason, learn, and know as well as act and feel.” p208 Research shows babies can do these things, we can only help them if we don’t see them as innately deficient and rather as powerful learners.

I am a strong proponent of children’s rights and I think that this final quote from the book was one of the most inspiring. If educators and parents would adopt this way of thinking the next generation of children would learn and grow to be more magnificent than anyone could imagine. “…The new research shows that babies and young children are fully human beings in their own right. We may not have much control over how children turn out, but we do have enormous power over their lives as children, and those lives are as valuable and important as adult lives. Children aren’t just valuable because they will turn into grown-ups but because they are thinking feeling individual people themselves.” p208 And I will repeat, “Those lives are as valuable and important as adult lives, not just because they will turn into grown-ups but because they ARE thinking feeling individual people themselves.” Children are people, infants are people, they’re lives are not valued by the grown-ups they will someday become but by their individuality their ability to learn, experience the world, and grow and to help us as adults do the same. We can best help children learn and grow by taking this mindset, valuing them as individuals with rights, thoughts, feelings, and ideas in every moment, at every stage, throughout their childhood and adult lives.

Emotions and Children

I recently read Berne Brown’s, “I Thought it Was Just Me, But it Isn’t”. My father sent me the book months ago saying that he had started reading it, and thought I should read it. After reading the introduction I had to put it down. It was somewhat sad, why on earth would he send me a book about shame. I picked it back up last month and began reading. Brown is a shame researcher that wrote “I Thought it was Just Me” about the emotion of shame, what it is, and how to begin to manage it. Just as you are probably thinking what does this have to do with infants and toddlers, I was reading wondering what my father thought this had to do with me?

In the book, Dr. Brown compiled shame research and designed a method to work towards shame resilience. As I read I began to relate my life and my work to the research about shame. I recommend the book both for those who deal with children and families and all people seeking to better understand and navigate the emotional world. I will do my best to summarize and emphasize the segments that I believe can help children and families.

 What is shame? Shame is defined in “I Thought It Was Just Me” as an intense emotional feeling that one is not valuable or worthy as an individual. Guilt is not shame; guilt is feeling badly for doing something wrong, shame on the other hand is feeling we are a bad person because of something we did. Shame is sometimes also confused with self-esteem; self-esteem is however how valuable we believe we are as an individual in a comparative thought out method of valuation rather than an intense negative emotion. In all the research shame is constantly proved only to be a destructive emotion, Brown states that “shame is so overbearing and painful that regardless of the intent it moved them [the subjects studied] away from being able to grow, change, and respond in any kind of genuine or authentic way.” (62) Feeling ashamed does not help change people or their behaviors because people in shame believe that they are bad, and they cannot apologize for something they are.

Once we understand shame is never a valuable motivator or change agent we then must commit to protecting ourselves and our children from shame and supporting one another when we experience shame. According to Brown we must develop shame resistance and when applying this to children I focused on two of the elements talking openly about emotions, and practicing empathy. Brown reminds us the importance of giving children the PROPER vocabulary to navigate their emotions. Often we as teachers, families, and caregivers rely on the simple happy, sad, and angry when discussing emotions with young children. Children can experience a full range of emotions just like adults and helping children put words to the way they are feeling can help them to manage their emotions and deal with the way they feel. Also it’s important that we understand some emotions such as shame or disappointment can be outwardly expressed as anger or sadness. If we use and provide children with the vocabulary necessary it is easier and more satisfying when we try to discuss and deal with emotions. Open communication is an important part of shame resilience. The women studied dealt with shame much better when there was someone they could openly communicate their feelings with. Children need to know that it is ok to have feelings and that talking about why they are feeling a certain way can be helpful. Most important children and adults need to have a place or person that they know will listen empathetically. Though no two people can have identical experiences we as humans have the ability to hear about experiences different than our own and empathize, relate emotionally, to another’s story. Children as young as two begin to show clear signs of empathy. Parents, teachers, and caregivers should support the building of empathy by encouraging sharing of emotions and stories, listening skills, and a wide vocabulary of emotional words.

Finally Brown discusses the ways we can change our culture to reduce the fear, blame, and disconnection and move toward courage, compassion, connection, and shame resilience. Brown writes about her observations of young children that have not yet learned how to ‘hide, filter, and manipulate’ their emotions. These are our children and they are just learning to navigate the emotional world. We need help children understand and communicate their feelings so they feel comfortable with themselves and the emotions they are feeling. As adults we change our emotions to ‘fit in’ because we all desire a sense of belonging. By talking about emotions we can fulfill our need to belong and include others rather than disconnecting and hiding emotions. The last two pages are dedicated completely to educators and parents explaining that shame and shame resilience start at home. If you happen upon this book in the book store read those last two pages (it won’t ruin it) and I think then you will want to see what she has to say.

I want to close with a sentence that really resonated with me as something to promote further thought. Brown wrote, “”I’m afraid the social-community pressure to appear learned has become more important than actually learning.” That sentence stuck with me, mostly because I see that pressure frequently. I think that as educators and caregivers we need to make I don’t know an ok response. Not knowing something is often taken as a negative, a source of shame, disappointment, and thus disconnection, but what this does is causes children to pretend as if they know or guess instead of questioning and learning. I do not know should be encouraged not as a disregard or as a lazy statement but so that children have the opportunity to recognize that I don’t know is a chance to learn. We need to be sure in our classrooms and our homes we encourage learning over knowing because not knowing can lead to further study.

Language and Literacy for Reggio Inspired Teachers

I attended a conference today regarding the development of language and literacy in young children. One of the teachers in attendance asked, "With all the books, videos, and ideas out there, how do you know what is right?" The instructor gave what I think is a great answer, "It depends on your culture." I was talking to her earlier and as teachers we deal with philosophies, regulations, licensing, personal beliefs, and the realities of working with many small children. I told her that you need to find your own philosophy, keep up with research, and fit within your school's parameters. There is no correct way to teach children, we have to take what we know about how children learn and do our best to help them.

I think that one of the most important things that I heard the man say today was, "Relax because if you're stressed you are going to stress out the child. He/she is learning less if you stress them out. I am relaxing because I want your child to learn." It's blunt but I think it's true children develop at different rates, the more we push them the harder it is. We learn best when we have an intrinsic desire to know. When we are interested we will learn and the same goes for children. All we can do is support them, provide the materials and follow their interests (their intrinsic desire to learn).

One discussion was the my baby can read videos and the presenters were very clear in their answer. Reading is the ability to comprehend that specific symbols when put together have a specific concrete meaning. The my baby can read video teaches children to memorize a symbol (word) and make a sound when they see that word. The children will then appear to read but have no understanding of the meaning behind the word or the letters in the word that can be complied to an infinite number of words and meanings. Furthermore I want to emphasize that language is about social interaction there is more to language and literacy that the ability to speak, read, and write. Children need to be able to communicate and understand others communication. Language and literacy develop best in the context of strong relationships. Repetitive social interactions with loving family and friends.

So don't rush your children, provide a loving, supporting, text rich environment with positive books, music, and language. Children are natural language learners so relax.

Also, if you have any questions regarding language and/or literacy with infants and toddlers please don't hesitate to ask, anyway I can help.