Emotions and Children

I recently read Berne Brown’s, “I Thought it Was Just Me, But it Isn’t”. My father sent me the book months ago saying that he had started reading it, and thought I should read it. After reading the introduction I had to put it down. It was somewhat sad, why on earth would he send me a book about shame. I picked it back up last month and began reading. Brown is a shame researcher that wrote “I Thought it was Just Me” about the emotion of shame, what it is, and how to begin to manage it. Just as you are probably thinking what does this have to do with infants and toddlers, I was reading wondering what my father thought this had to do with me?

In the book, Dr. Brown compiled shame research and designed a method to work towards shame resilience. As I read I began to relate my life and my work to the research about shame. I recommend the book both for those who deal with children and families and all people seeking to better understand and navigate the emotional world. I will do my best to summarize and emphasize the segments that I believe can help children and families.

 What is shame? Shame is defined in “I Thought It Was Just Me” as an intense emotional feeling that one is not valuable or worthy as an individual. Guilt is not shame; guilt is feeling badly for doing something wrong, shame on the other hand is feeling we are a bad person because of something we did. Shame is sometimes also confused with self-esteem; self-esteem is however how valuable we believe we are as an individual in a comparative thought out method of valuation rather than an intense negative emotion. In all the research shame is constantly proved only to be a destructive emotion, Brown states that “shame is so overbearing and painful that regardless of the intent it moved them [the subjects studied] away from being able to grow, change, and respond in any kind of genuine or authentic way.” (62) Feeling ashamed does not help change people or their behaviors because people in shame believe that they are bad, and they cannot apologize for something they are.

Once we understand shame is never a valuable motivator or change agent we then must commit to protecting ourselves and our children from shame and supporting one another when we experience shame. According to Brown we must develop shame resistance and when applying this to children I focused on two of the elements talking openly about emotions, and practicing empathy. Brown reminds us the importance of giving children the PROPER vocabulary to navigate their emotions. Often we as teachers, families, and caregivers rely on the simple happy, sad, and angry when discussing emotions with young children. Children can experience a full range of emotions just like adults and helping children put words to the way they are feeling can help them to manage their emotions and deal with the way they feel. Also it’s important that we understand some emotions such as shame or disappointment can be outwardly expressed as anger or sadness. If we use and provide children with the vocabulary necessary it is easier and more satisfying when we try to discuss and deal with emotions. Open communication is an important part of shame resilience. The women studied dealt with shame much better when there was someone they could openly communicate their feelings with. Children need to know that it is ok to have feelings and that talking about why they are feeling a certain way can be helpful. Most important children and adults need to have a place or person that they know will listen empathetically. Though no two people can have identical experiences we as humans have the ability to hear about experiences different than our own and empathize, relate emotionally, to another’s story. Children as young as two begin to show clear signs of empathy. Parents, teachers, and caregivers should support the building of empathy by encouraging sharing of emotions and stories, listening skills, and a wide vocabulary of emotional words.

Finally Brown discusses the ways we can change our culture to reduce the fear, blame, and disconnection and move toward courage, compassion, connection, and shame resilience. Brown writes about her observations of young children that have not yet learned how to ‘hide, filter, and manipulate’ their emotions. These are our children and they are just learning to navigate the emotional world. We need help children understand and communicate their feelings so they feel comfortable with themselves and the emotions they are feeling. As adults we change our emotions to ‘fit in’ because we all desire a sense of belonging. By talking about emotions we can fulfill our need to belong and include others rather than disconnecting and hiding emotions. The last two pages are dedicated completely to educators and parents explaining that shame and shame resilience start at home. If you happen upon this book in the book store read those last two pages (it won’t ruin it) and I think then you will want to see what she has to say.

I want to close with a sentence that really resonated with me as something to promote further thought. Brown wrote, “”I’m afraid the social-community pressure to appear learned has become more important than actually learning.” That sentence stuck with me, mostly because I see that pressure frequently. I think that as educators and caregivers we need to make I don’t know an ok response. Not knowing something is often taken as a negative, a source of shame, disappointment, and thus disconnection, but what this does is causes children to pretend as if they know or guess instead of questioning and learning. I do not know should be encouraged not as a disregard or as a lazy statement but so that children have the opportunity to recognize that I don’t know is a chance to learn. We need to be sure in our classrooms and our homes we encourage learning over knowing because not knowing can lead to further study.