Answering for a Child

I was overhearing a conversation in the two year old classroom when I heard a teacher ask a child, "Did you wash your hands?" there was a pause and then the other teacher said, "No he hasn't washed." I have had this interaction hundreds of times, I'm sure most teachers and parents have. I got reflecting as I do on the role of respect in this discussion. I want to respect children's ability to answer for themselves but I also find it crucial that they was their hands. Further what about when a child is not verbal. We talk to and ask questions of our babies yet they cannot answer and often others answer for them, perhaps that's where this came from.

I considered the other possibilities that might be more respectful. 

1.) Ask the child to answer the teacher who asked them a question by saying, "Joey, Ms. Liz asked you if you washed. You can say, 'Not yet, I'm on my way.'" - This is also a respectful way to talk with nonverbal children and would give you a chance to give them a simple word they could say. 

2.) Wait for the child to answer, this is probably most respectful for a verbal child and comfortable adult. If the other adult looks to you, you can use the process above, bringing it back to the child. If the child lies then you have an opportunity to teach. Most often young children are playing with lying you could say kindly, "I don't think that's true Joey. You haven't washed yet, you can tell Ms. Liz, "I haven't washed yet." when she reminds you to wash your hands." 

Mommy would like it if you..

Motivating your child through their desire to please you is com-mon for most families. This month I’d like to challenge you to think about if that is how you wish to motivate your child. I know sometimes you can’t think of anything else to say but if you hold your long term goals in mind you will realize this isn’t the best motivator to use regularly. Young children have a strong desire to please the adults in their lives but it is still extrinsic motivation. Any time we use extrinsic motivation to get our child to act we have to recognize we are teaching them how to make decisions. If we say “Mommy would like it if you…” then we are telling them you should make the decision based on what mommy wants, to please her. If children learn to make decisions based on what pleases another, mommy might motivate children through this desire to please. Over time children will grow and they no longer will be seeking to please their parents. At that point children who have learned to make decisions by choosing what pleases others might choose what would please a misguided friend or teenage romantic partner. This is not to say all children that seek to please their parents will later make poor choices seeking to please others, however decision making is learned. Ultimately we want children to make the decision to act in a way that is consistent with their inner goals and values. When supporting your child to make a decision try to think of a deeper reason why. You may still occasionally motivate your child by their desire to please but there are many other reasons out there. If you think your child has an unhealthy desire to please others you can begin talking about their ideas. “What do you think about that?” “Did it go the way you wanted it to?” “How do you feel about it?” Tune children into their own inner power to evaluate their choices and think about their accomplishments

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Our RIE and Magda Gerber Inspiration

As teachers we began discussing the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) philosophy and found great inspiration in their work. RIE (pronounced rye) is based in respect much like the Our Neighborhood philosophy. RIE is based on the work of Magda Gerber and Emily Pickler. The RIE institute in California trains parents, educarers (child care teachers), nannies, and others on the RIE philosophy.

The RIE philosophy believes that when children have our full, undivided attention during routine care such as diaper changes, feedings, and some play, they are better able to separate from us when we need to work on something else. We have been working to be mindful of our presence and to try to be truly available to children throughout the day. Observation is already a big part of the Our Neighborhood philosophy and the information RIE provides on observing children has helped us to become better observers. The RIE belief of Observe More, Do Less. Do Less, Enjoy More has been an inspiration for us.

Sometimes, especially when there are many children, we allow the importance of getting things done take over all the other important things. When we stop and observe more and do less we will find children can do many things if given the time and the space. Then as we do less, we are able to enjoy more. RIE emphasizes the importance of doing less for you child by explaining that if you constantly interfere, take over, correct, and over help your child you are implying that you do not believe your child can handle the task. This undermines your child’s self confidence, telling him that his way, his process, his time, or his effort is not enough. When we slow down and observe, we can offer the least possible intervention, sometimes just our presence, encouraging words, a shoulder to balance on. We will tell our children “I am here for you and I believe in you.” by being present but not interupting. If you wait and do the least then you also insure that you are allowing your children to do what they can do, contribute, and feel the sense of accomplishment that comes with achieving things for themselves.

Looking for more parenting support, we highly recommend "Baby Knows Best" by Deborah Carlisle Solomon
If you're interested in reading more about RIE check out http://rie.org

We also love Janet Lansbury's Elevating Childcare Blog http://www.janetlansbury.com/ 

We hope you will join us as we work to deepen our understanding of RIE and the ways it can inspire our work with children.

Helping Children Process Fear

Think of a time you felt scared, your partner was out of town and you heard something outside your bedroom. This big overwhelming feeling came over you as your mind and emotions raced out of control. You tried to calm from the logical side of your brain but the fear, as irrational as it is, wouldn’t subside. You know that genuine scared feeling, the physical reactions you have to fear. Emotions are all new to children and they are extreme.

What support do you offer your child when they are fearful? Excited? Tired? Overwhelmed? Angry? Consider these emotions in yourself. What type of support to you need when you’re feeling big emotions? How would you feel if your partner, parent, or friend didn’t listen to the way you felt and tired to tell you it was no big deal. Your child is going to experience big emotions in their life. Your roll is to keep your calm, give them words for the big feelings they have, and listen. Resist the urge to save, fix, punish, minimize, or dismiss. Say to them, “Breathe with me. You can handle this.”

Coach children to work through big emotions, keep your composure and show them you will keep them safe. Once they are calm you can problem solve. Becky Bailey has an awesome coaching video we highly recommend checking it out!