A Strong View of Children

As I have given tours to new families I explain our philosophy beginning with, “We view children as competent.” and most people think, yes of course, but honestly most people don’t view children as competent. The truth is children’s brains are designed to learn. They are hard-wired to pick up language, learn, and want to explore. When we view children as competent that then changes our role away from teacher to facilitator, language model, safe keeper, secure base, and ultimately, the encourager. It is our role as teaches and your role as parents to provide children with an opportunity to explore, learn, and grow. But we have a problem in our society. Many parents and teachers have become the ‘fixers’ or prob-lem solver instead of the support system. If you view your child as too small to do it or just a baby, then you are taking their power away and stealing from them their chance problem solve and to learn. The effect of not viewing your child as competent is your child will not view themselves as competent. So how do you begin to change this mindset? Give your child opportunities to show their competencies. Support children as they take calculated risks. Find ‘jobs’ for your child to do around the house. Consider that in history farming families had many children to help support the family. Many families will say, “What can my non-mobile infant do to help?” Your non-mobile infant does a lot of things everyday; she brings a smile to your face every time you see her, he greets you and his family with a loud coo. If we view these things as contributions to our family’s happiness then your infant mobile or not will feel empowered, will feel competent. Your toddler can learn to greet guests or help to set out napkins for dinner. Little ones can help you remember the keys or help lock the door on the way out of the house. Giving children jobs, no matter how small, tells them that you view them as competent and valuable members of your family. The feeling of accomplishment a child gets after doing something helpful is the intrinsic base for our behavior in society and ultimately the motivator for doing ‘good’. Remember not to judge or praise children’s contribution but rather relate them back to your family values so children can be their own judge of their behaviors. You could say, “You smiled at grandma, and look she smiled back.” or “You welcomed your cousins by showing them your toys, that’s part of being a friend.” or “You put all the napkins on the table so we will be able to stay clean at dinner.” None of those sentences judged the children with good or bad simply noticing children’s accomplishments says you value their contribution. If you make this language change at 6 months, it will begin to come naturally and you will start to view your child as competent contributors to your family. I just finished reading the parenting book “Free Range Kids” and the au-thor explained the world is not more dangerous now than it was before. “Childhood is supposed to be about discovering the world, not being held captive. It’s not about having the world pointed out to you by a DVD or by your mom as you drive by, See honey that’s a forest.” (pg 193). We want to support you to view your children as competent and able to get out, explore, get dirty, make mistakes, learn, and contribute.

Learning Through Play

Learning Through Play As an early childhood professional I often find myself saying over and over, “Children learn through play.” I defend play as not only a way to learn, but the best way for children to learn. I was reminded last weekend at the Southern Early Childhood Conference of a simple study that shows how important play is for young children. Fifty years ago when this study was first conducted researchers brought children 3, 5, and 7 years of age into a lab and asked the children to stand still for as long as they could. Standing still requires children use their executive functions in the higher centers of their brain, not only to remember they are standing still but also to stop themselves from doing something else which is called inhibitory control. Executive functions and inhibitory control have been in the news lately because research has shown how important these skills are to later success in school and in adult life. So they asked the children to stand still and the three year old could stand still for a not very long we will say less than 20 seconds, the five year olds could stand still a bit longer about 30-60 seconds, and the seven year olds were able to stand still for quite long nearing five minutes. They repeated this with another group of 3, 5, and 7 year olds but this time they told them a story about soldier that had to stand at attention very still for a long time. When the children were challenged to take on the play role of soldiers and stand still this play allowed the chil-dren to better self regulate, hold onto the idea of standing still, and stop themselves from moving or engaging in something else. The most dramatic increase was in the five year olds that were able to stand still by ‘being a soldier’ for three to five minutes. The researches surmised that the seven year olds were only slightly effected by play scenario because they largely had the self regulation skills and the three year olds were only slightly effected by the play scenario because they struggled to take on and maintain engagement in the role. Play is how children learn to self regulate. Children learn through mature dramatic play to build, understand, and apply rules. When children were place in a group and all pretending to be soldiers they were able to stand still even longer. Sadly this study was replicated in 2001 and the researchers found that the five year olds of 2001 per-formed more like the three year olds of fifty years ago, and the seven year olds of 2001 performed more like the five year olds of fifty years ago. Researchers speculate this change stems largely from today’s children having less unstructured play time, less opportunities for mix aged groups that promote mature play, and more toys with singular prescribed uses. We can best support our children by giving them time for uninterrupted play.

Answering for a Child

I was overhearing a conversation in the two year old classroom when I heard a teacher ask a child, "Did you wash your hands?" there was a pause and then the other teacher said, "No he hasn't washed." I have had this interaction hundreds of times, I'm sure most teachers and parents have. I got reflecting as I do on the role of respect in this discussion. I want to respect children's ability to answer for themselves but I also find it crucial that they was their hands. Further what about when a child is not verbal. We talk to and ask questions of our babies yet they cannot answer and often others answer for them, perhaps that's where this came from.

I considered the other possibilities that might be more respectful. 

1.) Ask the child to answer the teacher who asked them a question by saying, "Joey, Ms. Liz asked you if you washed. You can say, 'Not yet, I'm on my way.'" - This is also a respectful way to talk with nonverbal children and would give you a chance to give them a simple word they could say. 

2.) Wait for the child to answer, this is probably most respectful for a verbal child and comfortable adult. If the other adult looks to you, you can use the process above, bringing it back to the child. If the child lies then you have an opportunity to teach. Most often young children are playing with lying you could say kindly, "I don't think that's true Joey. You haven't washed yet, you can tell Ms. Liz, "I haven't washed yet." when she reminds you to wash your hands." 

Mommy would like it if you..

Motivating your child through their desire to please you is com-mon for most families. This month I’d like to challenge you to think about if that is how you wish to motivate your child. I know sometimes you can’t think of anything else to say but if you hold your long term goals in mind you will realize this isn’t the best motivator to use regularly. Young children have a strong desire to please the adults in their lives but it is still extrinsic motivation. Any time we use extrinsic motivation to get our child to act we have to recognize we are teaching them how to make decisions. If we say “Mommy would like it if you…” then we are telling them you should make the decision based on what mommy wants, to please her. If children learn to make decisions based on what pleases another, mommy might motivate children through this desire to please. Over time children will grow and they no longer will be seeking to please their parents. At that point children who have learned to make decisions by choosing what pleases others might choose what would please a misguided friend or teenage romantic partner. This is not to say all children that seek to please their parents will later make poor choices seeking to please others, however decision making is learned. Ultimately we want children to make the decision to act in a way that is consistent with their inner goals and values. When supporting your child to make a decision try to think of a deeper reason why. You may still occasionally motivate your child by their desire to please but there are many other reasons out there. If you think your child has an unhealthy desire to please others you can begin talking about their ideas. “What do you think about that?” “Did it go the way you wanted it to?” “How do you feel about it?” Tune children into their own inner power to evaluate their choices and think about their accomplishments

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Our RIE and Magda Gerber Inspiration

As teachers we began discussing the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) philosophy and found great inspiration in their work. RIE (pronounced rye) is based in respect much like the Our Neighborhood philosophy. RIE is based on the work of Magda Gerber and Emily Pickler. The RIE institute in California trains parents, educarers (child care teachers), nannies, and others on the RIE philosophy.

The RIE philosophy believes that when children have our full, undivided attention during routine care such as diaper changes, feedings, and some play, they are better able to separate from us when we need to work on something else. We have been working to be mindful of our presence and to try to be truly available to children throughout the day. Observation is already a big part of the Our Neighborhood philosophy and the information RIE provides on observing children has helped us to become better observers. The RIE belief of Observe More, Do Less. Do Less, Enjoy More has been an inspiration for us.

Sometimes, especially when there are many children, we allow the importance of getting things done take over all the other important things. When we stop and observe more and do less we will find children can do many things if given the time and the space. Then as we do less, we are able to enjoy more. RIE emphasizes the importance of doing less for you child by explaining that if you constantly interfere, take over, correct, and over help your child you are implying that you do not believe your child can handle the task. This undermines your child’s self confidence, telling him that his way, his process, his time, or his effort is not enough. When we slow down and observe, we can offer the least possible intervention, sometimes just our presence, encouraging words, a shoulder to balance on. We will tell our children “I am here for you and I believe in you.” by being present but not interupting. If you wait and do the least then you also insure that you are allowing your children to do what they can do, contribute, and feel the sense of accomplishment that comes with achieving things for themselves.

Looking for more parenting support, we highly recommend "Baby Knows Best" by Deborah Carlisle Solomon
If you're interested in reading more about RIE check out http://rie.org

We also love Janet Lansbury's Elevating Childcare Blog http://www.janetlansbury.com/ 

We hope you will join us as we work to deepen our understanding of RIE and the ways it can inspire our work with children.

Helping Children Process Fear

Think of a time you felt scared, your partner was out of town and you heard something outside your bedroom. This big overwhelming feeling came over you as your mind and emotions raced out of control. You tried to calm from the logical side of your brain but the fear, as irrational as it is, wouldn’t subside. You know that genuine scared feeling, the physical reactions you have to fear. Emotions are all new to children and they are extreme.

What support do you offer your child when they are fearful? Excited? Tired? Overwhelmed? Angry? Consider these emotions in yourself. What type of support to you need when you’re feeling big emotions? How would you feel if your partner, parent, or friend didn’t listen to the way you felt and tired to tell you it was no big deal. Your child is going to experience big emotions in their life. Your roll is to keep your calm, give them words for the big feelings they have, and listen. Resist the urge to save, fix, punish, minimize, or dismiss. Say to them, “Breathe with me. You can handle this.”

Coach children to work through big emotions, keep your composure and show them you will keep them safe. Once they are calm you can problem solve. Becky Bailey has an awesome coaching video we highly recommend checking it out!

Explaining Changes, Teaching Skills, and Overcoming Challenges by: Creating Your Own Book

One look at children's literature and you can see so many books are written to teach children. "Hands Are Not For Hitting" "All Aboard the Potty Train" "No More Paci for Piggy" on and on. So often when parents or teachers come to me with challenges I encourage them to write their own children's story. Seems overwhelming but it isn't.

Keep it simple and focus on what you want to happen or what you want children to learn.

Simple story about sleeping in a big kid bed. Pg 1 "When you were born we were so happy." pg. 2 "NAME OF CHILD slept safely in your crib (or with mommy and daddy)." pg. 3 "You grew and you grew." pg. 4 "Every night we read one story, sang twinkle twinkle little star and you slept." (use your routine, bath, stories, bottle, etc.) pg 5 "Soon/Now you have a new bed." pg 6 "Every night we will read one story, sing twinkle twinkle little star, and you will sleep. Safely all night long." pg 7 "Every morning the sun comes up and we will play together all day." --- Simple and to the point you should use the child's name wherever you can to help make it personal. Add pages for specific struggles, ie. If you wake up in the night you are safe and you hug your blankie and go back to sleep.

Simple story to explain the death of a pet to a 2-4 year old. Pg 1 "We are so lucky to b a family." Pg 2 "Some families have pets." Pg 3 "Together we love them and take care of them." Pg 4 "But as animals get older their body gets weaker and sometimes they die." Pg 5 "This is sad and difficult for the whole family." Pg 6 "We will miss them now that they are gone but we will always have our memories." - Add lots of photos of families playing with their pets.

You can create these stories for your children, they don't need to be bound or perfectly written. You can print them off the computer and staple them together, or get printed photos and cut them out as a family. Stories can also promote learning after a fun vacation or trip. "Our Family Trip to the Zoo" Stories help older children connect with younger children. It is a truly wonderful way to deepen learning so take on the challenge and create your own family book!

*Need help, add comments and I will be happy to help!